I think he isn't even gonna realize what he's doing until it's far too late to save what we had...slowly, bit by bit, he's pushing me away...does he see that? Does he even see whan I am hurting inside? I am not gonna say a word...I can't always be the one trying to salvage this...I love him more than anything, but, deep down I know he wasn't ready for this relationship...that he is trying to make it work trying to make himself love me, but I havn't been so sure since I got home from the hospital,maybe it's my insecurities being in over drive because of everything that I've gone through within the last month, but, honestly, I don't think so, it's some of it, but he's definately been slowly shutting me out of his life...spending less and less time at home, it's seeming like I am more of an afterthought than anything else. And I know, I know he is missing his ex, he tried to look her up while I wasn't around...for what? I dunno, I just know that my heart hurts just thinking about it, about him walking away, and I see it coming...probably sooner than later. But there is really nothing I can do, because who am I to try to hold him down with me if I don't make him happy and this is not where he wants to be and I'm not the one he wants to be with?I dunno...it's just too much right now for me to cope with, so instead of going there with him and pushing the issue, I hope I am wrong and just overly bleh from this Cancer shit and that we make it through this all okay, because I love him and I don;t want to lose him...I really never have felt this way about anyone else. Anyway, I just needed to get that out so maybe I can sleep now...
Gwen
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Hmm...so a bright glimmer in all this health crap
As most of my online friends know, I started working out and losing weight in Jan 08 I had lost 43 lbs total by the 4th of July so I was down to 199, by my Tumor discovery and newest Cancer diagnosis I'd gained back 13 lbs and was up to 212 again, and my stomach was very distended at the top due to the huge ass tumor on my one Ovary...so since surgery and being home, everyone around me has been telling me how much weight I'd dropped and how much thinner I am... Me- I didn't see it, of course I never do...I have a very funky body image thing going on...always have, worse now cuz of this jacked up scar on my lower abdomen...but today I weighed myself for the hell of it and am at 191 so since surgery on the 3rd of this month I've dropped 21 lbs for a total this year of 51 lbs, now I am halfway to my total goal of being 140 which I have not been since middle school I think....wow. And I looked in a full length mirror and actually DID see a difference myself for once...with clothes on...naked I still see UGH.
But in the midst of all this really nasty health crap, at least that is one more positive to add to the list, now I can't wait to be able to workout more.
But in the midst of all this really nasty health crap, at least that is one more positive to add to the list, now I can't wait to be able to workout more.
Friday, October 17, 2008
My emotion level is on overload so maybe venting will help?
Maybe "venting" is not quite what I mean,it's more a case of needing to put thoughts into concrete words so maybe perhaps I will not dissolve into an emotional mess again this weekend.
There is so damn much going on at the moment that threatens to just upend my life at any moment it seems. First is the financial strain of now being a one income family all of the sudden when we just moved into a bigger house with higher rent and added utilities that we didn't have at the apartment. Add in the medical bills coming in with no health care and it's like being smothered and just trying to get by with a few breaths here and there. Feeding a family of 5, paying living expenses (rent,utilities) and trying to stay on top of my truck payment and car nsurance and keeping up with gas,maintenance was alot on it's own. Now I have the dreaded C word hanging over my head again, a nasty very UGLY new scar top of my navel to my pubic bone,bruises over the place from iv's and shots that has brought me back into my body image issues all anew. I have pain from the surgery. And I feel myself becoming very insecure all over again, afraid of losing the best relationship I have EVER had for whatever reason pops up in my mind.
Then back before we started dating, Danny was with the wrong people,wrong place, wrong time, and got into some trouble which was MINOR, however he was chosen as the poster boy for the incident and now he has to serve 10 days in jail,luckily they cut him some slack due to my situation and it's on weekends, this will be the second one. Plus court costs and fines and the other two people are getting shit and they had prior records for the same offense and one was on probation as well, Danny who had no record at ALL has all this bullshit. It's like someone is trying to just break us down I dunno. It's hard. Anyway, that's part of it, I'll continue with the rest later my baby is home.
There is so damn much going on at the moment that threatens to just upend my life at any moment it seems. First is the financial strain of now being a one income family all of the sudden when we just moved into a bigger house with higher rent and added utilities that we didn't have at the apartment. Add in the medical bills coming in with no health care and it's like being smothered and just trying to get by with a few breaths here and there. Feeding a family of 5, paying living expenses (rent,utilities) and trying to stay on top of my truck payment and car nsurance and keeping up with gas,maintenance was alot on it's own. Now I have the dreaded C word hanging over my head again, a nasty very UGLY new scar top of my navel to my pubic bone,bruises over the place from iv's and shots that has brought me back into my body image issues all anew. I have pain from the surgery. And I feel myself becoming very insecure all over again, afraid of losing the best relationship I have EVER had for whatever reason pops up in my mind.
Then back before we started dating, Danny was with the wrong people,wrong place, wrong time, and got into some trouble which was MINOR, however he was chosen as the poster boy for the incident and now he has to serve 10 days in jail,luckily they cut him some slack due to my situation and it's on weekends, this will be the second one. Plus court costs and fines and the other two people are getting shit and they had prior records for the same offense and one was on probation as well, Danny who had no record at ALL has all this bullshit. It's like someone is trying to just break us down I dunno. It's hard. Anyway, that's part of it, I'll continue with the rest later my baby is home.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Some updates and other musings
So obviously, I havn't updated since before my surgery on the 3rd. Just too sore to sit here for long periods...honestly this surgery hurts way worse than the Colectomy did. Or maybe my pain meds were just better then I dunno, but I am doing this one pretty much with nothing I had very low dose percs sent home with me and I stretched them much further than they should have lasted technically, but now they are gone so I am just coping with the pain with Tylenol or Ibuprofen.Which is good in a way because I dislike that disconnected feeling the stronger drugs give me.
So I had a total hysterectomy remember, both Ovaries had cancer, but that was it, and they said they got it all, they also removed my Appendix because it was inside out? So yeah an additional body part removed.
I go back next month for a follow up, so far I still know nothing about if I will once again have to do chemo or goodness forbid radiation. When I know more I will update you all.
off to bed
love ya
gwen
So I had a total hysterectomy remember, both Ovaries had cancer, but that was it, and they said they got it all, they also removed my Appendix because it was inside out? So yeah an additional body part removed.
I go back next month for a follow up, so far I still know nothing about if I will once again have to do chemo or goodness forbid radiation. When I know more I will update you all.
off to bed
love ya
gwen
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Only a few more days...
Until I go back to UVA...and because money is so tight right now since I can't work, Danny is now going to be working Friday instead of coming down to be there and I am okay with that in a way, because I know we have bills to pay LOTS of them, but, I'm also sad, because truthfully, I need him, more now than ever. Anyway, today I am dining on Apple sauce, Chicken Broth and Jello oh and water, lovelyyyyyy...By Thursday I will be ready to eat an entire cow after the colonoscopy....Tomorrow should be a fun day too, I get the joy of drinking what amounts to bile to roto rooter my system, the next few days alone should be good for a 10 pound drop between flushing one end and puking out of the other. I am feeling so helpless as to my kids because at this point I still have no idea what's gonna go on there. This coming weekend is taken care of, but, after that, I still dunno, and next weekend, Danny, starts the first of his weekend "trips" away from us...will I even be home by then?? Not that it matters because it's not like any of this can be rescheduled. As much as I want to just say forget it and let it go...probably it's best to just get it all over with. And honestly if my family and I can weather the storm, I think we are gonna be alright considering there is so much going on at once that should be breaking us down, and granted, we've been arguing lately when before we never did, though yesterday and last night we talked alot and I think that helped. So if we get past this health bs and Danny's weekend's away through October and up to Thanksgiving, I really think we can do this for the long haul. Wow, it's the first time I've been able to say that about a relationship. Go figure, it took me forever to find the other part of my soul and he's 15 years younger than me. I guess that's why lol our souls had to wait until both were free and legal to catch up with one another lol. Okay, my brain is on snooze now, so I'm off to do other things. I'm sure I'll post again before Thursday and I leave for Charlottesville. Love y'all, Gwen
Friday, September 26, 2008
I feel so overwhelmed (from yesterday's myspace blog)
As posted yesterday on my Myspace Blog;
So much is going on these days in my life...mostly nothing good...that it really seems like everything at the moment is crashing down or cracking at the least.
I went to the ER on 9/11 for severe abdominal pain and an abdominal mass that frankly, I'd noticed previously, but did my " If I ignore it, it will go away" type of treatment....it didn't. After being stuck with needles,poked, prodded and having a CAT scan and an Xray, my oncologist was called to consukt and it was determined that due to teh large size and my history, that I needed further conultation with Gynocological Oncology experts at UVA, the "thing" whatever it is was or what have you is on my OVARY this time...lovely. So 9/17 I head to UVA, get poked ,prodded and violated even more, have a Uterine Biopsy and still know no more now then I did 9/11 they said we will know nothing until they go in for surgery on 10/3, Now, the mass has gone down leading me to believe it is/was a cyst? But in any case, a complete hysterectomy is scheduled at the moment joy oh Joy.... my feelings on that have run the gamut of fine, take all that shit out so I have no worries in the future, I had my tubes cut and birned in 2000 anyway to recognition that this means no periods anymore (lovely part) and that it also means that I will NEVER EVER have any chance even with in vitro of giving Danny any child of his own at all, so where does that leave me, with many mre concern and fears and alot more sadness than satisfaction of knowing that the issue will be resolved.
Then we get into Money worries, how the hell are bills gonna get paid? I am not used to relying on others now so it is hard for me to grasp that things will get done without me. How am I gonna pay for the medical crap? What about work? What about my kids? I really have a HARD time relying on others there period, and now since the one person I had figured on relying on during this time will be gone from us every weekend for the next month or so, I am at even more of a loss as to what the hell I am going to do. Am I a bit "off" lately? Maybe...I guess stress and worry tend to do that to you. I am worried about my kids, my relationship, my man himself, money, bills, my health, basically every fucking thing there is.... So maybe I have been crankier (insert bitchier) than usual, but I think probably I am entitled to be somewhat more volatile than usual...add to that his fucking ex calling last weekend again and that bullshit, and every freakin other thing that is going on normally in my life and truly, I think I am lucky I havn't had a complete mental breakdown and only a few crying jags instead.
Granted, I have some of the best friends in the world, and my family extended and otherwise are the best thing ever, but still, I'm going to worry about everything under the sun, that's just me.
Hopefully now that I at last have the kids figured out for next week/weekend...that will help me relax a little bit... we'll see.
As far as my relationship goes, I am scared to death of losing one of the most important people in my life. What if he CAN'T deal with all this? What if he walks out because it's just too much? I mean can I really blame him if he did? 3 kids, 2 are teens, ALL the bills, ans a sick girlfriend? There's alot of men older than Danny who couldn't deal with what he's facing the next few months and he is only 20 after all, working 2 jobs, trying to face all this after losing his Dad last year, his Uncle last month, and burying his Stepfather last week. All of whom had battered Cancer and now his girlfriend who is a Cancer survivor is facing the possibility of a recurrance? That's an overload right there.
ANYway...that's my venting blog for tonight.
Love y'all
Gwen
I went to the ER on 9/11 for severe abdominal pain and an abdominal mass that frankly, I'd noticed previously, but did my " If I ignore it, it will go away" type of treatment....it didn't. After being stuck with needles,poked, prodded and having a CAT scan and an Xray, my oncologist was called to consukt and it was determined that due to teh large size and my history, that I needed further conultation with Gynocological Oncology experts at UVA, the "thing" whatever it is was or what have you is on my OVARY this time...lovely. So 9/17 I head to UVA, get poked ,prodded and violated even more, have a Uterine Biopsy and still know no more now then I did 9/11 they said we will know nothing until they go in for surgery on 10/3, Now, the mass has gone down leading me to believe it is/was a cyst? But in any case, a complete hysterectomy is scheduled at the moment joy oh Joy.... my feelings on that have run the gamut of fine, take all that shit out so I have no worries in the future, I had my tubes cut and birned in 2000 anyway to recognition that this means no periods anymore (lovely part) and that it also means that I will NEVER EVER have any chance even with in vitro of giving Danny any child of his own at all, so where does that leave me, with many mre concern and fears and alot more sadness than satisfaction of knowing that the issue will be resolved.
Then we get into Money worries, how the hell are bills gonna get paid? I am not used to relying on others now so it is hard for me to grasp that things will get done without me. How am I gonna pay for the medical crap? What about work? What about my kids? I really have a HARD time relying on others there period, and now since the one person I had figured on relying on during this time will be gone from us every weekend for the next month or so, I am at even more of a loss as to what the hell I am going to do. Am I a bit "off" lately? Maybe...I guess stress and worry tend to do that to you. I am worried about my kids, my relationship, my man himself, money, bills, my health, basically every fucking thing there is.... So maybe I have been crankier (insert bitchier) than usual, but I think probably I am entitled to be somewhat more volatile than usual...add to that his fucking ex calling last weekend again and that bullshit, and every freakin other thing that is going on normally in my life and truly, I think I am lucky I havn't had a complete mental breakdown and only a few crying jags instead.
Granted, I have some of the best friends in the world, and my family extended and otherwise are the best thing ever, but still, I'm going to worry about everything under the sun, that's just me.
Hopefully now that I at last have the kids figured out for next week/weekend...that will help me relax a little bit... we'll see.
As far as my relationship goes, I am scared to death of losing one of the most important people in my life. What if he CAN'T deal with all this? What if he walks out because it's just too much? I mean can I really blame him if he did? 3 kids, 2 are teens, ALL the bills, ans a sick girlfriend? There's alot of men older than Danny who couldn't deal with what he's facing the next few months and he is only 20 after all, working 2 jobs, trying to face all this after losing his Dad last year, his Uncle last month, and burying his Stepfather last week. All of whom had battered Cancer and now his girlfriend who is a Cancer survivor is facing the possibility of a recurrance? That's an overload right there.
ANYway...that's my venting blog for tonight.
Love y'all
Gwen
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