Blah

I think he isn't even gonna realize what he's doing until it's far too late to save what we had...slowly, bit by bit, he's pushing me away...does he see that? Does he even see whan I am hurting inside? I am not gonna say a word...I can't always be the one trying to salvage this...I love him more than anything, but, deep down I know he wasn't ready for this relationship...that he is trying to make it work trying to make himself love me, but I havn't been so sure since I got home from the hospital,maybe it's my insecurities being in over drive because of everything that I've gone through within the last month, but, honestly, I don't think so, it's some of it, but he's definately been slowly shutting me out of his life...spending less and less time at home, it's seeming like I am more of an afterthought than anything else. And I know, I know he is missing his ex, he tried to look her up while I wasn't around...for what? I dunno, I just know that my heart hurts just thinking about it, about him walking away, and I see it coming...probably sooner than later. But there is really nothing I can do, because who am I to try to hold him down with me if I don't make him happy and this is not where he wants to be and I'm not the one he wants to be with?I dunno...it's just too much right now for me to cope with, so instead of going there with him and pushing the issue, I hope I am wrong and just overly bleh from this Cancer shit and that we make it through this all okay, because I love him and I don;t want to lose him...I really never have felt this way about anyone else. Anyway, I just needed to get that out so maybe I can sleep now...
Gwen

Hmm...so a bright glimmer in all this health crap

As most of my online friends know, I started working out and losing weight in Jan 08 I had lost 43 lbs total by the 4th of July so I was down to 199, by my Tumor discovery and newest Cancer diagnosis I'd gained back 13 lbs and was up to 212 again, and my stomach was very distended at the top due to the huge ass tumor on my one Ovary...so since surgery and being home, everyone around me has been telling me how much weight I'd dropped and how much thinner I am... Me- I didn't see it, of course I never do...I have a very funky body image thing going on...always have, worse now cuz of this jacked up scar on my lower abdomen...but today I weighed myself for the hell of it and am at 191 so since surgery on the 3rd of this month I've dropped 21 lbs for a total this year of 51 lbs, now I am halfway to my total goal of being 140 which I have not been since middle school I think....wow. And I looked in a full length mirror and actually DID see a difference myself for once...with clothes on...naked I still see UGH.
But in the midst of all this really nasty health crap, at least that is one more positive to add to the list, now I can't wait to be able to workout more.

My emotion level is on overload so maybe venting will help?

Maybe "venting" is not quite what I mean,it's more a case of needing to put thoughts into concrete words so maybe perhaps I will not dissolve into an emotional mess again this weekend.

There is so damn much going on at the moment that threatens to just upend my life at any moment it seems. First is the financial strain of now being a one income family all of the sudden when we just moved into a bigger house with higher rent and added utilities that we didn't have at the apartment. Add in the medical bills coming in with no health care and it's like being smothered and just trying to get by with a few breaths here and there. Feeding a family of 5, paying living expenses (rent,utilities) and trying to stay on top of my truck payment and car nsurance and keeping up with gas,maintenance was alot on it's own. Now I have the dreaded C word hanging over my head again, a nasty very UGLY new scar top of my navel to my pubic bone,bruises over the place from iv's and shots that has brought me back into my body image issues all anew. I have pain from the surgery. And I feel myself becoming very insecure all over again, afraid of losing the best relationship I have EVER had for whatever reason pops up in my mind.
Then back before we started dating, Danny was with the wrong people,wrong place, wrong time, and got into some trouble which was MINOR, however he was chosen as the poster boy for the incident and now he has to serve 10 days in jail,luckily they cut him some slack due to my situation and it's on weekends, this will be the second one. Plus court costs and fines and the other two people are getting shit and they had prior records for the same offense and one was on probation as well, Danny who had no record at ALL has all this bullshit. It's like someone is trying to just break us down I dunno. It's hard. Anyway, that's part of it, I'll continue with the rest later my baby is home.

Some updates and other musings

So obviously, I havn't updated since before my surgery on the 3rd. Just too sore to sit here for long periods...honestly this surgery hurts way worse than the Colectomy did. Or maybe my pain meds were just better then I dunno, but I am doing this one pretty much with nothing I had very low dose percs sent home with me and I stretched them much further than they should have lasted technically, but now they are gone so I am just coping with the pain with Tylenol or Ibuprofen.Which is good in a way because I dislike that disconnected feeling the stronger drugs give me.

So I had a total hysterectomy remember, both Ovaries had cancer, but that was it, and they said they got it all, they also removed my Appendix because it was inside out? So yeah an additional body part removed.

I go back next month for a follow up, so far I still know nothing about if I will once again have to do chemo or goodness forbid radiation. When I know more I will update you all.
off to bed
love ya
gwen