Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Only a few more days...
Until I go back to UVA...and because money is so tight right now since I can't work, Danny is now going to be working Friday instead of coming down to be there and I am okay with that in a way, because I know we have bills to pay LOTS of them, but, I'm also sad, because truthfully, I need him, more now than ever. Anyway, today I am dining on Apple sauce, Chicken Broth and Jello oh and water, lovelyyyyyy...By Thursday I will be ready to eat an entire cow after the colonoscopy....Tomorrow should be a fun day too, I get the joy of drinking what amounts to bile to roto rooter my system, the next few days alone should be good for a 10 pound drop between flushing one end and puking out of the other. I am feeling so helpless as to my kids because at this point I still have no idea what's gonna go on there. This coming weekend is taken care of, but, after that, I still dunno, and next weekend, Danny, starts the first of his weekend "trips" away from us...will I even be home by then?? Not that it matters because it's not like any of this can be rescheduled. As much as I want to just say forget it and let it go...probably it's best to just get it all over with. And honestly if my family and I can weather the storm, I think we are gonna be alright considering there is so much going on at once that should be breaking us down, and granted, we've been arguing lately when before we never did, though yesterday and last night we talked alot and I think that helped. So if we get past this health bs and Danny's weekend's away through October and up to Thanksgiving, I really think we can do this for the long haul. Wow, it's the first time I've been able to say that about a relationship. Go figure, it took me forever to find the other part of my soul and he's 15 years younger than me. I guess that's why lol our souls had to wait until both were free and legal to catch up with one another lol. Okay, my brain is on snooze now, so I'm off to do other things. I'm sure I'll post again before Thursday and I leave for Charlottesville. Love y'all, Gwen
Friday, September 26, 2008
I feel so overwhelmed (from yesterday's myspace blog)
As posted yesterday on my Myspace Blog;
So much is going on these days in my life...mostly nothing good...that it really seems like everything at the moment is crashing down or cracking at the least.
I went to the ER on 9/11 for severe abdominal pain and an abdominal mass that frankly, I'd noticed previously, but did my " If I ignore it, it will go away" type of treatment....it didn't. After being stuck with needles,poked, prodded and having a CAT scan and an Xray, my oncologist was called to consukt and it was determined that due to teh large size and my history, that I needed further conultation with Gynocological Oncology experts at UVA, the "thing" whatever it is was or what have you is on my OVARY this time...lovely. So 9/17 I head to UVA, get poked ,prodded and violated even more, have a Uterine Biopsy and still know no more now then I did 9/11 they said we will know nothing until they go in for surgery on 10/3, Now, the mass has gone down leading me to believe it is/was a cyst? But in any case, a complete hysterectomy is scheduled at the moment joy oh Joy.... my feelings on that have run the gamut of fine, take all that shit out so I have no worries in the future, I had my tubes cut and birned in 2000 anyway to recognition that this means no periods anymore (lovely part) and that it also means that I will NEVER EVER have any chance even with in vitro of giving Danny any child of his own at all, so where does that leave me, with many mre concern and fears and alot more sadness than satisfaction of knowing that the issue will be resolved.
Then we get into Money worries, how the hell are bills gonna get paid? I am not used to relying on others now so it is hard for me to grasp that things will get done without me. How am I gonna pay for the medical crap? What about work? What about my kids? I really have a HARD time relying on others there period, and now since the one person I had figured on relying on during this time will be gone from us every weekend for the next month or so, I am at even more of a loss as to what the hell I am going to do. Am I a bit "off" lately? Maybe...I guess stress and worry tend to do that to you. I am worried about my kids, my relationship, my man himself, money, bills, my health, basically every fucking thing there is.... So maybe I have been crankier (insert bitchier) than usual, but I think probably I am entitled to be somewhat more volatile than usual...add to that his fucking ex calling last weekend again and that bullshit, and every freakin other thing that is going on normally in my life and truly, I think I am lucky I havn't had a complete mental breakdown and only a few crying jags instead.
Granted, I have some of the best friends in the world, and my family extended and otherwise are the best thing ever, but still, I'm going to worry about everything under the sun, that's just me.
Hopefully now that I at last have the kids figured out for next week/weekend...that will help me relax a little bit... we'll see.
As far as my relationship goes, I am scared to death of losing one of the most important people in my life. What if he CAN'T deal with all this? What if he walks out because it's just too much? I mean can I really blame him if he did? 3 kids, 2 are teens, ALL the bills, ans a sick girlfriend? There's alot of men older than Danny who couldn't deal with what he's facing the next few months and he is only 20 after all, working 2 jobs, trying to face all this after losing his Dad last year, his Uncle last month, and burying his Stepfather last week. All of whom had battered Cancer and now his girlfriend who is a Cancer survivor is facing the possibility of a recurrance? That's an overload right there.
ANYway...that's my venting blog for tonight.
Love y'all
Gwen
I went to the ER on 9/11 for severe abdominal pain and an abdominal mass that frankly, I'd noticed previously, but did my " If I ignore it, it will go away" type of treatment....it didn't. After being stuck with needles,poked, prodded and having a CAT scan and an Xray, my oncologist was called to consukt and it was determined that due to teh large size and my history, that I needed further conultation with Gynocological Oncology experts at UVA, the "thing" whatever it is was or what have you is on my OVARY this time...lovely. So 9/17 I head to UVA, get poked ,prodded and violated even more, have a Uterine Biopsy and still know no more now then I did 9/11 they said we will know nothing until they go in for surgery on 10/3, Now, the mass has gone down leading me to believe it is/was a cyst? But in any case, a complete hysterectomy is scheduled at the moment joy oh Joy.... my feelings on that have run the gamut of fine, take all that shit out so I have no worries in the future, I had my tubes cut and birned in 2000 anyway to recognition that this means no periods anymore (lovely part) and that it also means that I will NEVER EVER have any chance even with in vitro of giving Danny any child of his own at all, so where does that leave me, with many mre concern and fears and alot more sadness than satisfaction of knowing that the issue will be resolved.
Then we get into Money worries, how the hell are bills gonna get paid? I am not used to relying on others now so it is hard for me to grasp that things will get done without me. How am I gonna pay for the medical crap? What about work? What about my kids? I really have a HARD time relying on others there period, and now since the one person I had figured on relying on during this time will be gone from us every weekend for the next month or so, I am at even more of a loss as to what the hell I am going to do. Am I a bit "off" lately? Maybe...I guess stress and worry tend to do that to you. I am worried about my kids, my relationship, my man himself, money, bills, my health, basically every fucking thing there is.... So maybe I have been crankier (insert bitchier) than usual, but I think probably I am entitled to be somewhat more volatile than usual...add to that his fucking ex calling last weekend again and that bullshit, and every freakin other thing that is going on normally in my life and truly, I think I am lucky I havn't had a complete mental breakdown and only a few crying jags instead.
Granted, I have some of the best friends in the world, and my family extended and otherwise are the best thing ever, but still, I'm going to worry about everything under the sun, that's just me.
Hopefully now that I at last have the kids figured out for next week/weekend...that will help me relax a little bit... we'll see.
As far as my relationship goes, I am scared to death of losing one of the most important people in my life. What if he CAN'T deal with all this? What if he walks out because it's just too much? I mean can I really blame him if he did? 3 kids, 2 are teens, ALL the bills, ans a sick girlfriend? There's alot of men older than Danny who couldn't deal with what he's facing the next few months and he is only 20 after all, working 2 jobs, trying to face all this after losing his Dad last year, his Uncle last month, and burying his Stepfather last week. All of whom had battered Cancer and now his girlfriend who is a Cancer survivor is facing the possibility of a recurrance? That's an overload right there.
ANYway...that's my venting blog for tonight.
Love y'all
Gwen
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