Dr's appt today...not good.
Biopsy of my Liver on Monday, PET scan being scheduled soon...
So many thoughts and emotions at the moment, and I really don't want to say much more about it at the moment...Fragile grasp on normalcy at the moment...I am really not faking it well at all, and I don't want to break down in front of my kids so...At some point in the next few days, maybe I'll be able to put how I feel into words..at the moment all i can say is I am pissed at life...
Gwen
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
25 things...(cross posted on facebook )
Twenty~five random things you may or may not know about me....
1.I believe in ghosts, having had many personal experiences ever since I was a kid and would love to go on a paranormal investigation.
2. I am addicted to the game Farm Town on Facebook, and Sorority Life is hitting a close second.
3. I can't stand drama queens, and unfortunately, I seem to run into more than my share.
4.I am a pretty darn good cook, if I must say so myself.
5. I took Cosmetology in high school and did very well in it, but never did go on to take my test and become licensed.
6. I was a volunteer with Middleburg Rescue between 95-98.
7. I would love to visit Ireland one day, heck i would love to move there!
8. My favorite animals are pigs and cats and yes, in that order...who'da thunk it? LOL
9. I have coached cheerleading and soccer. Again, who'da thunk it?
10. I have been married... (very briefly- just another big mistake in my life)
11. I am now terrified of heights...like seriously driving down a mountain or high hill can be unsettling to my system if I don't keep my eyes straight ahead.
12. I have had Colon Cancer twice, a stroke once and have had 2 seizures since due to the damage done to my system.
13. I am single and enjoying every damn minute of it...No drama, no bullshit, no lies...who wouldn't love that?
14.I lost over 50 lbs last year...(sadly I have gained 30 of it back since this last run in with that dreaded C word again.)
15. I love to work out...yep...I do, just have no energy or motivation at the moment...my favorite methods of working out are walking just the track or around town when I lived in M-burg, using the Leslie Sansone 3 mile walk dvd, or doing Sweatin to the Oldies dvds...
16. My faults are- crappy self esteem, jealousy (better than it used to be), stubborn, bitchy, and obviously cussing lol.
17.My pet peeves- drama queens of course, Liars...(HUGE one there), fake ass mofos, back stabbers, ex's (LOL) ex's family (even more LOL)...gossiping, ignorance, racism and intolerance.
18.I just now have grown my nails out for the first time EVER...and it's not all that long lol...(the ones on my right hand keep breaking)
19. I'd like to get hair extensions.
20. My dream home is an A frame log cabin...(2 bedroom.. and a loft), with land for a barn and lots of animals to live off my own land, I bet y'all didn't see that coming either.
21. There are a few people from high school I've never gotten out of my mind.
22. I think I spent more time in trailer with Mr. Wayland than in my classes,and I never got in trouble (caught) for more than skipping or not doing homework. Sad huh?
23. I am very blunt and at times brutally honest, so if you don't really want to know the truth- don't ask me...I don't lie well.
24. I am forgetful these days, but I NEVER forget cruel and hurtful things, I might let it go on the outside and move on, but I will always remember.
25. I was a nanny right after high school and up until I got pg with my oldest daughter, then they fired me because I refused to have an abortion...(I do NOT believe in abortions, I don't think anyone has a right to tell anyone else what to do with their bodies, but for me personally, they are disgusting and vile)
1.I believe in ghosts, having had many personal experiences ever since I was a kid and would love to go on a paranormal investigation.
2. I am addicted to the game Farm Town on Facebook, and Sorority Life is hitting a close second.
3. I can't stand drama queens, and unfortunately, I seem to run into more than my share.
4.I am a pretty darn good cook, if I must say so myself.
5. I took Cosmetology in high school and did very well in it, but never did go on to take my test and become licensed.
6. I was a volunteer with Middleburg Rescue between 95-98.
7. I would love to visit Ireland one day, heck i would love to move there!
8. My favorite animals are pigs and cats and yes, in that order...who'da thunk it? LOL
9. I have coached cheerleading and soccer. Again, who'da thunk it?
10. I have been married... (very briefly- just another big mistake in my life)
11. I am now terrified of heights...like seriously driving down a mountain or high hill can be unsettling to my system if I don't keep my eyes straight ahead.
12. I have had Colon Cancer twice, a stroke once and have had 2 seizures since due to the damage done to my system.
13. I am single and enjoying every damn minute of it...No drama, no bullshit, no lies...who wouldn't love that?
14.I lost over 50 lbs last year...(sadly I have gained 30 of it back since this last run in with that dreaded C word again.)
15. I love to work out...yep...I do, just have no energy or motivation at the moment...my favorite methods of working out are walking just the track or around town when I lived in M-burg, using the Leslie Sansone 3 mile walk dvd, or doing Sweatin to the Oldies dvds...
16. My faults are- crappy self esteem, jealousy (better than it used to be), stubborn, bitchy, and obviously cussing lol.
17.My pet peeves- drama queens of course, Liars...(HUGE one there), fake ass mofos, back stabbers, ex's (LOL) ex's family (even more LOL)...gossiping, ignorance, racism and intolerance.
18.I just now have grown my nails out for the first time EVER...and it's not all that long lol...(the ones on my right hand keep breaking)
19. I'd like to get hair extensions.
20. My dream home is an A frame log cabin...(2 bedroom.. and a loft), with land for a barn and lots of animals to live off my own land, I bet y'all didn't see that coming either.
21. There are a few people from high school I've never gotten out of my mind.
22. I think I spent more time in trailer with Mr. Wayland than in my classes,and I never got in trouble (caught) for more than skipping or not doing homework. Sad huh?
23. I am very blunt and at times brutally honest, so if you don't really want to know the truth- don't ask me...I don't lie well.
24. I am forgetful these days, but I NEVER forget cruel and hurtful things, I might let it go on the outside and move on, but I will always remember.
25. I was a nanny right after high school and up until I got pg with my oldest daughter, then they fired me because I refused to have an abortion...(I do NOT believe in abortions, I don't think anyone has a right to tell anyone else what to do with their bodies, but for me personally, they are disgusting and vile)
Jon & Kate plus loads of hate...
Now, I admit, I am a fan of the show, mostly because, as my 16 year old daughter says, those adorable Asian babies, from Cranky Maddie right on down to cutie pie Alexis...Back before the Jon & Kate HaterGate erupted this year, whenever i watched the show, I always came away thinking, " Damn, Kate is such a Bitch. She treats Jon like crap." And quite honestly did not like her personna much at all, but the more I see the ongoing harrassment of this family by papparazzi and the like...the more I feel sorry for her, Jon and the kids all for seperate reasons.
I wonder now...
Was Kate's bitchiness towards Jon due to his roaming with other women?
Or...
Is Jon's roaming with other women due to Kate's bitchiness?
It's something like that which came first the chicken or the egg question and either way the answer doesn't really matter, the kids are the ones who are suffering the most here and exactly what is this growing up under public scrutiny going to do to them? Every minute of every day being watched and shown to everyone around the world?? What effect for example will it have on Maddie? Who has been portrayed by the show as the bigegst spoiled brat of the family? Alexis, who has been shown being spanked (with an open hand on the bottom, people- get over it) on the front of a magazine cover?
Imagine what it must be like to take your kids to the grocery store, having to get past papparazzi to first get IN the DOOR, then have to sheild your kid's from seeing themselves, or their mom or dad on the cover of EVERY tabloid and magazine at the checkout stand, possible with some insane headline that these kids ARE OLD ENOUGH TO READ... then having to push past these same assholes putting those headlines you just saw to go home again...I admit, if it was me? I'd probably be arrested for assault, because everyone of those jerks would get smacked on my way to my car.
These were every day people, just Joe Blow citizen who made a decision to let their family be filmed to try to put their kids through school and pay their bills, they had no idea it would cascade into this insanity...so why were they so deluged by the p-holes anyway? They weren't Madonna and Guy Richie, so what was the draw?
To me this is just another example of why papparazzi need to be under some sort of I don't know...they need to be reigned in, the absurdity of things they do to wreck people's lives has been seen over and over. I mean do we have to have another Diana before SOMETHING is done to hold them back a bit, and how did we get so many people with no scruples anyway? Did we really need to know all the details of David Carrideans death? Or Jett Travolta's? These people have been cruel over and over and over again. Maybe the best punishment for them is to set some of their colleague's on their tail, see what happens.
Anyway, that's my rant for the morning!
Gwen<3
I wonder now...
Was Kate's bitchiness towards Jon due to his roaming with other women?
Or...
Is Jon's roaming with other women due to Kate's bitchiness?
It's something like that which came first the chicken or the egg question and either way the answer doesn't really matter, the kids are the ones who are suffering the most here and exactly what is this growing up under public scrutiny going to do to them? Every minute of every day being watched and shown to everyone around the world?? What effect for example will it have on Maddie? Who has been portrayed by the show as the bigegst spoiled brat of the family? Alexis, who has been shown being spanked (with an open hand on the bottom, people- get over it) on the front of a magazine cover?
Imagine what it must be like to take your kids to the grocery store, having to get past papparazzi to first get IN the DOOR, then have to sheild your kid's from seeing themselves, or their mom or dad on the cover of EVERY tabloid and magazine at the checkout stand, possible with some insane headline that these kids ARE OLD ENOUGH TO READ... then having to push past these same assholes putting those headlines you just saw to go home again...I admit, if it was me? I'd probably be arrested for assault, because everyone of those jerks would get smacked on my way to my car.
These were every day people, just Joe Blow citizen who made a decision to let their family be filmed to try to put their kids through school and pay their bills, they had no idea it would cascade into this insanity...so why were they so deluged by the p-holes anyway? They weren't Madonna and Guy Richie, so what was the draw?
To me this is just another example of why papparazzi need to be under some sort of I don't know...they need to be reigned in, the absurdity of things they do to wreck people's lives has been seen over and over. I mean do we have to have another Diana before SOMETHING is done to hold them back a bit, and how did we get so many people with no scruples anyway? Did we really need to know all the details of David Carrideans death? Or Jett Travolta's? These people have been cruel over and over and over again. Maybe the best punishment for them is to set some of their colleague's on their tail, see what happens.
Anyway, that's my rant for the morning!
Gwen<3
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Okay, so, I managed to keep myself from worrying about the mri's etc until now, now I am starting to worry a bit...the "What-Ifs" are running through my mind quite a bit more than I would like...and frankly, I do NOT have time for this...I have things I want to do, things I need to do, I don't have time to take out another 6 month to one year of my life or my kids, they have suffered ENOUGH with this bullshit. So whosoever is in charge up there, I am done with your testing my strength and resolve, I think I've passed more than my fair share of an assortment of life tests at this point. It's time t cut me a break or two...and it's past time to give my kids one.
Really in the past year, I've dealt with relationship drama,cancer recurrance not once but possibly twice now...having to move back home because of both the aforementioned issues, my truck motor blowing up so that I have NO transportation of my own, I am wondering what the heck I ever did to deserve the bad Karma I keep getting...
And I am tired of so many things...of being overweight, of my face breaking out, of hot flashes, of whiny people who have NO CLUE about what real problems are, I mean, honestly, there are alot of you out there who whine and complain every day about the most minor of things, who find things to cause drama about, and you are freaking clueless about truly harsh realities...
And that my friends is my vent for the day...one of these days, I will find something more fun to blog about...at the moment, this is just my free thought release.
Gwen <3
Really in the past year, I've dealt with relationship drama,cancer recurrance not once but possibly twice now...having to move back home because of both the aforementioned issues, my truck motor blowing up so that I have NO transportation of my own, I am wondering what the heck I ever did to deserve the bad Karma I keep getting...
And I am tired of so many things...of being overweight, of my face breaking out, of hot flashes, of whiny people who have NO CLUE about what real problems are, I mean, honestly, there are alot of you out there who whine and complain every day about the most minor of things, who find things to cause drama about, and you are freaking clueless about truly harsh realities...
And that my friends is my vent for the day...one of these days, I will find something more fun to blog about...at the moment, this is just my free thought release.
Gwen <3
Sunday, June 14, 2009
So, yesterday, I said that there were some updates...I am going to try to do that as completely as I possibly can in this one post...
In February, I became single again, uhh, I think you got that out of last night's post. Well to add more to that, It had been really ugh (<~ the nicest possible way to put it!) since December and mildly so since I had my surgery last October, I discovered I was quite accurate in my intuition- he couldn't handle it, and more so- I was right when I said months previous that I was a rebound and he never really was in love with me, he definately was never there to support me the same way I was for him, and it all came crasjhing down at a very fragile point in my life which you will understand in my next paragraph but, it was what it was and it is what it is, so that is the last I am commenting on that mistake.
As some of you know, I had been rediagnosed with cancer last year, I had 2 treatments and they made me soooooooo incredibly ill, even when he halved the dosages for the second one, that I had an overwhelming feeling that if I did not halt the treatments, they themselves were going to kill me, so I stopped treatment Feb. 20th when I went back for an appt. and had my central line removed a week later, because that thing had caused me serious pain since it was put in, and I was hoping that my feeling that I am going to be okay is right... and I am still hoping I am right even though lasy month I had an MRI as scheduled for follow-up and they did not use the ivp dye as I am allergic even though I did the Allergy prep before hand as directed, at mt Oncology appt the following week he showed me the films there was a small 'area' on my liver which he could not determine as dye was not used so- he ordered a second which I had last week. Now, personally, the first thing I thought of when he showed me was an ATV rollover I was involved in in January which was pretty bad my ribs and leg were pretty injured on my left side...so I am thinking it was related to that, I guess we will see.
Anyway...
As I said yesterday, Emily and Selena have both had birthdays making them 16 and 9 respectively, Chris will be 13 in August...we moved back to Clarke County and in the fall Emily and Selena will once again be involved in 4H, Emily with lambs and goats and Selena with swine- Selena is also starting cheerleading and I will once again be coaching...so we are busy busy...
Chris has moved in with his dad and I am not entirely sure if he is doing any sports in the fall or not as he doesn't talk about it much when he is here... ;( Sometimes I feel like he really doesn't want to come over at all because he always comes up with something else to do on the weekends...which he didn't do when it was the other way around... okay and taht is getting depressing...soooooo...
On a bright note...my nephew Hayden will be a year old next month...he is such a sweetheart too...love being around him and watching him learn everything...it's amazing thinking about my kids whewn they were that age and realizing Emily is old enough to drive now-YIKES and Selena will begoing into middle school in 2 years, and Chris will begoing into hugh school in a year!
Well, that's it, my brain is shutting down for the night...See you soon!
Gwen
In February, I became single again, uhh, I think you got that out of last night's post. Well to add more to that, It had been really ugh (<~ the nicest possible way to put it!) since December and mildly so since I had my surgery last October, I discovered I was quite accurate in my intuition- he couldn't handle it, and more so- I was right when I said months previous that I was a rebound and he never really was in love with me, he definately was never there to support me the same way I was for him, and it all came crasjhing down at a very fragile point in my life which you will understand in my next paragraph but, it was what it was and it is what it is, so that is the last I am commenting on that mistake.
As some of you know, I had been rediagnosed with cancer last year, I had 2 treatments and they made me soooooooo incredibly ill, even when he halved the dosages for the second one, that I had an overwhelming feeling that if I did not halt the treatments, they themselves were going to kill me, so I stopped treatment Feb. 20th when I went back for an appt. and had my central line removed a week later, because that thing had caused me serious pain since it was put in, and I was hoping that my feeling that I am going to be okay is right... and I am still hoping I am right even though lasy month I had an MRI as scheduled for follow-up and they did not use the ivp dye as I am allergic even though I did the Allergy prep before hand as directed, at mt Oncology appt the following week he showed me the films there was a small 'area' on my liver which he could not determine as dye was not used so- he ordered a second which I had last week. Now, personally, the first thing I thought of when he showed me was an ATV rollover I was involved in in January which was pretty bad my ribs and leg were pretty injured on my left side...so I am thinking it was related to that, I guess we will see.
Anyway...
As I said yesterday, Emily and Selena have both had birthdays making them 16 and 9 respectively, Chris will be 13 in August...we moved back to Clarke County and in the fall Emily and Selena will once again be involved in 4H, Emily with lambs and goats and Selena with swine- Selena is also starting cheerleading and I will once again be coaching...so we are busy busy...
Chris has moved in with his dad and I am not entirely sure if he is doing any sports in the fall or not as he doesn't talk about it much when he is here... ;( Sometimes I feel like he really doesn't want to come over at all because he always comes up with something else to do on the weekends...which he didn't do when it was the other way around... okay and taht is getting depressing...soooooo...
On a bright note...my nephew Hayden will be a year old next month...he is such a sweetheart too...love being around him and watching him learn everything...it's amazing thinking about my kids whewn they were that age and realizing Emily is old enough to drive now-YIKES and Selena will begoing into middle school in 2 years, and Chris will begoing into hugh school in a year!
Well, that's it, my brain is shutting down for the night...See you soon!
Gwen
Saturday, June 13, 2009
It's been a while...
And first of all i'd like to send out a huge Congratulations to Christine...and an apology for missing out on the big news that your new baby was here until tonight...
I just read my last post to this blog...which was from October 2008, and was blown away at home prophetic it was...Deep down I know that my inuition has always been very "on" about things, but seeing it's validity in print, is kind of eerie...
So basically, yep! I am single again, and living back in Clarke County, (thank goodness) with my 2 daughters, my son has moved in with his dad for now...he wanted to give it a try and Of course I have no problem letting him do that, it's hard without having him around, but, it's what he wanted, so like a good mama, I let him do it.
The break up with *** amd I was uglyyyyyyyyyy. And it did not need to be so, mostly it was entirely perpetrated by another in his life who can't keep her nose out of others business and is a drama queen and has to amke everyone else around her as miserable as she is...but, hey- did me a favor, as I've realized aLOT since February.
There's tons to update, however, I am sleepy so I shall do it later.
Love ya!
Gwen
I just read my last post to this blog...which was from October 2008, and was blown away at home prophetic it was...Deep down I know that my inuition has always been very "on" about things, but seeing it's validity in print, is kind of eerie...
So basically, yep! I am single again, and living back in Clarke County, (thank goodness) with my 2 daughters, my son has moved in with his dad for now...he wanted to give it a try and Of course I have no problem letting him do that, it's hard without having him around, but, it's what he wanted, so like a good mama, I let him do it.
The break up with *** amd I was uglyyyyyyyyyy. And it did not need to be so, mostly it was entirely perpetrated by another in his life who can't keep her nose out of others business and is a drama queen and has to amke everyone else around her as miserable as she is...but, hey- did me a favor, as I've realized aLOT since February.
There's tons to update, however, I am sleepy so I shall do it later.
Love ya!
Gwen
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Blah
I think he isn't even gonna realize what he's doing until it's far too late to save what we had...slowly, bit by bit, he's pushing me away...does he see that? Does he even see whan I am hurting inside? I am not gonna say a word...I can't always be the one trying to salvage this...I love him more than anything, but, deep down I know he wasn't ready for this relationship...that he is trying to make it work trying to make himself love me, but I havn't been so sure since I got home from the hospital,maybe it's my insecurities being in over drive because of everything that I've gone through within the last month, but, honestly, I don't think so, it's some of it, but he's definately been slowly shutting me out of his life...spending less and less time at home, it's seeming like I am more of an afterthought than anything else. And I know, I know he is missing his ex, he tried to look her up while I wasn't around...for what? I dunno, I just know that my heart hurts just thinking about it, about him walking away, and I see it coming...probably sooner than later. But there is really nothing I can do, because who am I to try to hold him down with me if I don't make him happy and this is not where he wants to be and I'm not the one he wants to be with?I dunno...it's just too much right now for me to cope with, so instead of going there with him and pushing the issue, I hope I am wrong and just overly bleh from this Cancer shit and that we make it through this all okay, because I love him and I don;t want to lose him...I really never have felt this way about anyone else. Anyway, I just needed to get that out so maybe I can sleep now...
Gwen
Gwen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
